Riddle

Dad asked a riddle to me before his departure from this world
which I have been guessing since then.

It’s ever to be solved.
The answer will be unknown.
however I’ve resolved.

A bard ridicules me,
hiding clues in his ballade.
A bard ridicules me,
masking the truth in his facade.

—————

A minstrel leaves own time
following a trace of old verses once mattered
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Flying over straits of the salt water

A minstrel seeks own rhyme
A thorn of a rose: she merrily sings
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
A faint scent of pink colors her wings

A minstrel retrieves own chime
Ripples of a sound echo in the blue yonder
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Until the honey due crescent will she wander

A minstrel is asleep in own time
Breathing out the tail of ancient lyrics
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme
Her dream is as lucid as acrylic

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死を語る

いざ死ぬとなったら平静でいられないのはわかっているけれど、これまで死を自我に内包せんと全身全霊やってきたので、それなりに満足のいく距離まで近づけている。

私個人的には、自分がどのように死んでも後悔しないし、死のプロセスに入った時に(それが瞬間的で準備ができないものだとしても)なるべく恐れずpeaceful mindに繋がっていられるよう訓練してきているので、例えどんな死に方だとしても家族や友人には、死に方にまつわる変なストーリーを後からくっつけて、やれ悲劇だ可哀想だ、いやいやよく頑張ってあの人らしかったなど言わないで欲しい。後悔も納得もしないで欲しいと思う。

病気に事故に自殺に他殺に、disabledになって死んだも同然になったり行方がわからなくなったり。自分がどのような最期を遂げるか、いろんな死に方を日々想像する。でも、自分の思想哲学を毎分毎秒の行動や有り様に反映させる「人生をアートする」生き方を地味〜にやってきて、この命にとことん満足しているから(すべての願いや欲望は叶っていなくとも、それは満足と相反しない)、どんな死に方でもあまり変わらないなと感じるようになってきた。どのように死のうともあまり関係ないのだ。

死のプロセスは長くて数年を要するだろう。でも、それで残りの生きてきた十数年、何十年の人生を全部ひっくるめて語られたらたまったもんじゃない。人間は、他者の死に際して自分の悲しみや喪失と折り合いをつけるために、「この人の最期はこれこれこうでこうだった」みたいに意味やストーリーをあてがって治癒するわけだけど。死にひっぱられて残りの人生をさくっと記号化するなんてないよなー。

今死ぬのと20年後に死ぬのと、どれくらいの違いがあるのだろうと素直に考えてしまう節がある。決して他者には抱かない問いかけなのだけど。だって、私は他者の命(の長さや質量)に言葉を挟んだり影響を与える立場ではないから。あくまで自分の話だけ。死にたい願望なんてないし、生きることは素敵だ。もうしばらくは生きているだろうと漠然と考える無意識の私は確実に存在する。「しばらく」が数週間なのか50年なのかはわからない。でも、今夜ではなさそうだとは思っている。今夜の可能性だってあるのにね。

何が言いたいのかはよくわからないけど、ほんとにね、至高を体験してきているんだよね。特にベルリンに移住して、100%自分の哲学をひたすら毎日実践する暮らし方に持っていってから。そうすると、動物の持つ純粋な死への本能的恐怖に従っていられるようになって、そうすると不思議と人間社会の人間意識が構築するたくさんの恐怖が減っていっている。己の死を語ることも、その一つかもしれない。

 

 

間(はざま)

表現するとは何か。

音色か、配色か、線か、膨らみか、手触りか、光の反射か、言葉か、形か、空間を操ることか、

極限まで引き伸ばされた一瞬の物語か、跳ねる肢体か、合わさる息遣いか。

動物的とは何か。

喜怒哀楽の咆哮か、闇を嗅ぎ分ける嗅覚か、靴を脱ぎ捨て駆けることか。

胸の内を去来する断片を捉えて万華鏡を作り上げたい衝動と、

こぼれ落ちる砂つぶのめくるめく様をただ見届けていたい誘惑。

双方に表現方法があり、動物たる要素がある。

はざまを手探りする。

 

メモランダム

交換ではなく循環。受けとったら使い、使ったものは流れ、向かう先はわからないが、やがては形を変えてどこかに辿り着き、また表れる。この世からは無くならない。循環には(事前の)約束が必要ない。あるとすれば、生き抜くということ。

廻らすことが役割であって、得ることが目的ではない。

人間を知る為の最初の窓口、一番のツールは自分自身である。他を知るには、まず己を知ること。

作り出そう、統合しようとするのではなく、自ずと機が熟し生まれ出づる実りを待つ。子を産み落とすように。

 

A new ingredient

A friend of mine who follows trends of IT over 20 years visited Berlin to cover IFA as a press. (IFA=the German biggest trade show for consumer electronic products) As her interpreter, I joined her in the mega event at ICC Berlin. Coincidentally I got to see TEDxBerlin since IFA collaborated with TEDxBerlin. I met her at Betahaus, a co-working place in Berlin. As soon as we gladly hugged for our reunion, we jumped in our conversation as we had much to catch up.

Two years and three months of my Berlin life. It’s an expedition of the human consciousness and the body. It enables me to re-discover the intuitive, intrinsic, and simple side of a human animal who is freer from patterns and habits that s/he unconsciously and blindly acquires as growing in societies and organizations.

We humans and many other species whose intelligence and consciousness are capable of choice and judgement make a decision at every moment. Our life consists of an accumulation of decisions. Without choices and decisions, no life survives nor evolves. A decision-making behavior and energy consumed for it is like a “quantum” (=the minimum unit of any physical entity involved in an interaction) of sentient beings.

I practice in tuning up and refining the body, brain, cognitive process, perception, sensual faculties and energy flow. With the attuned eyes, I observe my decision-making process to grasp the essence of human decision-making process. The more conscious I become of factors that influence the decision-making process, the more reductive it becomes. Less and less grey clouds of miscellaneous thoughts. More and more simplified games of random emotions. My decision-making process comes to have less choices but more certainty.

The exploration of the human animal goes further. I make progress and move forward during the waking time. What about while I sleep? Do I make a decision during my dream? Where does my consciousness go? Why do we lose our consciousness over and over, again and again, every night? Losing the conscious is like a little death. (and yes, la petite mort is another virtual dying experience!) As a result, I practice the Tibetan Dream Yoga, which I believe is the key to decode the enigma of the human consciousness, body, dream, sleep, and death.

The pursuit for finding out the essence of the human animal leads me to another realization. Why do we not communicate with the other animals more frequently on a regular basis? Majority of animals are domesticated ones around us. I would like to contact to more diverse wild ones. They co-live and fight against each other, while the human animal is secluded way too far.

My friend attentively listened to my words and displayed an amused expression on the face. She wasn’t reserved to show her surprise. “That’s exactly the same as what scientists who do research on Singularity want to investigate.”  She lately interviewed Japanese top scientists and engineers in the Singularity field.  “This is so interesting!” said she. It was totally out of the blue to me as well, because Singularity didn’t attract my attention at all until this moment. My attitude toward it was “none of my business.” I’m not techy IT savvy. but more fascinated with sentient beings of the analog physical world. Moreover, the theme of TEDxBerlin was “exponential change,” all about Singularity. A title of a book that she happened to bring with her in the airplane was”The Problem of 2045.”  Now I’m reading the book that she gave me. “This synchronicity is something. Why don’t you read it?”

In my theory, the human body must evolve drastically in oder for the human consciousness to advance deeper. Why? Because the brain, body, and consciousness are interconnected. It’s said that genetics of Homo Sapience have remained the same for the past 50,000 years at least. Biologically we haven’t changed for that long time. If the container is the same, how can only the consciousness and mind transform? I suppose there is a physical limitation to a paradigm shift. Therefore, the extension of human body such as technology and media is a huge potential. Needless to say, we have to discuss agenda in bioethics and philosophy. But, I think we can expect positive outcomes as much as fatal risks. Otherwise, growth of  the human consciousness will be stagnant, I guess. (this is where we are now?)

Such an ancient practice as yoga and meditation is the art of transforming the physical body on our own. However, this approach isn’t for everybody. A wide variety of approaches should be available. Hence, it’s relevant that genetic engineering, nanotechnology, and biohacking develop rapidly.

The exponential change of technology might accelerate the gap between the human consciousness and the extended human body, and yield even more disasters. Some Singularity scientists warn it. Nonetheless, I think there is probably another path. Breakthrough because of maturity of the extension of the human body.

I got a new ingredient to cook in my tray: Singularity.

The new land

I used to think that no sound should echo to avoid imbalance in silence.
I used to imagine that peace had no scars of resentment and misery but would be filled only with brilliant light.

In reality, however, dark clammy shades of coiled despair and desires are blended with a ray of delicate sunlight shedding in-between space of tender petals of Ranunculus.
Like the Yin-Yan symbol, the completely opposite colors melt into each other. Harmony, instead of eradication.

A frequency of pains which I’ve devastatingly tried to tune out synchronizes with that of peace.
I enter into a place I’ve ever wished for. I’m becoming who I’ve envisioned.
Though it is beyond my anticipation, I know this is it upon the first step into the land.

Sadness never disappears even if it appears to be cured. The same volume of anguish as it was before swallows me.
But, it isn’t as heavy as before. I’m sad, yet it no longer belongs to the same pains. I cry from the new land.

A big lazy cat curls up on a pathless land.

 A friend of mine said to me, “you’re creating a path, instead of following a path.” and suggested Kurishnamurti to paraphrase my living art in Berlin. I hadn’t paid attention to Kurishnamurti before. After reading this http://www.jkrishnamurti.org/about-krishnamurti/dissolution-speech.php I do see similarities to his world view.

A belief is purely an individual matter, and you cannot and must not organize it. If you do, it becomes dead, crystallized; it becomes a creed, a sect, a religion, to be imposed on others.

Especially I agree with the wording he chose in bold: it becomes dead, crystalized.

At this stage, there are only a few things that I earnestly want to learn. Achievement, crystallization, and results per se no longer interest me. I don’t have a desire for producing outcomes to the society, curving a trace of my existence into a history, and creating new values. Many people expect and egg me. But my heart is somewhere else.  I’m becoming a lazy big cat.

After living in Berlin as a social experiment, some say to me, it’s time for you to crystalize, generate something. However, it doesn’t resonate to me. Truth is a pathless land. What an intriguing message Kurishnamurti left! A pathless land would be an equivalent of emptiness, Ku (空), in Buddhism terminology. Ku means the sky and space.

During meditation a few days ago, the axis within me shifted. I could be grounded on the center core deeper and stronger than ever. I used to concentrate on healing and removing pains. My whole life at that time had been dependent on the pains that possessed my left side body. After a while, I realized that a persistent never-ending attempt to completely heal pains didn’t make sense. Awareness of the pains yielded pains. They never disappeared. They harrowed me again and again. I began practicing to avert my awareness/attention from the pains. It’s been an incredibly slow progress. One day I felt “I could remove my consciousness from the pains!” Another day, they madly preoccupied me. It’s still more or less like that now. Nonetheless, I’m finding the firmness and stability very strongly. The pains reside here as always. But, electro currents running through my left body don’t bother my meditative state. I can rest on something but the pains.

It’s not about eliminating the pains. Life is to keep connected to inner peace no matter what and where, even on a road to death. That’s why I’m doing Dream Yoga. Not vibrations of pains but vibrations of bliss are slowly taking over me.

These days, I feel that time doesn’t belong to me. No “my life.” No “my time.” Anybody else doesn’t own time either. Time is like air and water. Time and space is everywhere. It penetrates us. Suppose this is neither my life nor anybody’s, what possibilities lay here? What choice could (my) consciousness take?

When you’re becoming fully present from a moment to a moment, you may at times become very subtle and least active, because you’re so satisfied with the world where you live and what you have done that you have few desires, no interest in future plans, goals and achievements, and the other people’s recognition. You feel stunningly touched and mesmerized just by walking on a street and sitting by the window looking at dance of fallen leaves with a wind in-between fresh green leaves and their black shadow cast on the ground. You live for weeks and months in that way, waking up, eating, walking, cooking, eating, going to bathroom, enjoying what comes into a day, and sleeping.This condition is seen to be no motivation, no energy, no ambition, no good social engagement and contribution, no significance. No attachment to outcomes, laissez-faire, appears to be at best resignation, or simply useless and lazy. I have no clue about purpose and significance of the lazy cat.

Lately, the new word is added to my lexicon: the universe. “I’m connected to the universe, goddesses, and dakinis.” I deliberately didn’t say it since it was such a misleading cliche, sounded toucy-feely new-agie, hippy-ish. Yet, I now know what it is from the gut. The universe is neither the God nor the horoscope. It’s like emptiness, and probably a pathless land.

If it is as it is, then.

Sayonara. Good bye. Auf Wiedersehen.

Initially I chose not to say “sayonara,” which means “so long good bye.” Instead, I rephrased to “Auf Wiedersehen.” It’s tenderer because it explicitly premises the next chance. At least it contains your wish to have another one. Or your world stays to the extend where the possibility still exists (regardless of “the fact”.) Au revoir and 再見 as well. Goodbye and adiós connote religious values.

Sayonara comes from a completely different angle compared to those above. Literally, sayonara originally/formally writes “sayou nara,” which means “if it is as it is, then.” You don’t sentimentally wish for another chance, but accept as is and depart.

At the end, sayonara was the right word.

awakened

This morning, I was awakened from a decade-long dream. A clear realization struck me, that he will never ever come back. As a matter of fact, it’s a simple obvious fact which I knew from the beginning. Well, I should say, I knew it as a piece of knowledge. But my deep inside didn’t realize what it really meant. Until today’s awakening, I’ve lived in a long long hazy misty dream where I was totally blind and didn’t grip the reality of an eternal separation. I knew. But I didn’t.

Needless to say, I didn’t believe a freaky thing that the deceased would revive. I understood that he was dead and that was it. Nonetheless, my life since then has been shaped around his death, or existence. I’ve devoted all my time and energy to accept, fight back, reflect on, heal, mad at, get devastated, and get out of his dying and passing. I disparately longed for and missed him in sinful regret, self-hatred, and despair. Without thinking of and being aware of impossibility of our reunion in this world, I exhausted what I had on the relationship with him. The magnitude of my missing him actually gave me the tremendous amount of energy to do things. I bestowed all of it on making my life and proceeding.

Upon the realization, I was astonished with the fact that I had been so lost in my world in relation to him. I gazed into space in my room as if I had been connected to emptiness.The experience of awakening from this immense dream was exactly the same as the every morning waking up from a dream or sleep and as the waking in a lucid dream while sleeping. “Oh! I was dreaming, and I am awake now.”  I never see him again.

No longer do I have to be driven to fill in the gap, which I would keep failing for good because it’s simply impossible. I miss you. But I can’t see you. I can’t change the past. I’m not meant to desire for what I can’t have. My life force isn’t for something that I can never fulfill. From now on, I’m able to beacon my energy, apart from the identity with him.

Be open to

To be open to any possibility is one thing. To prepare for multiple options for you to choose and keep the future open, like “I could do this and that!” “This might be also good for me. Let’s keep it for now!,” is another thing.

Our imagination is at the end limited to our conception and paradigm, or our language. Possibilities that we ourselves create don’t exceed who we are. An extraordinarily possibility comes from middle of nowhere, which we never even thought of, unexpectedly and absurdly. Such a possibility stuns and astonishes us. An unintended coincidence and an abrupt invitation open up a new path of possibility.

To be open to any possibility is to develop flexibility and detachment within us that enable us to say yes to a surprising invitation sent from where we don’t belong, even if we skeptically feel that we are about to throwing away what we have established, believed, and relied on.

We don’t need to keep multiple choices and disguise ourselves as if we had so many possibilities ahead of us. We should cultivate tenderness and resilience inside us that let us jump in an altered dimensioned hole suddenly appearing along the way.

常に様々な可能性にオープンである状態とは、選択肢を自らたくさん作って増やして、これもできるかもしれない、あれもいいかもしれないと複数の道を残しておくこととは限らない(これが有効な条件下もある)。

人間の想像力なんてたかが知れてる。自分で作る可能性には限度がある。思いがけない成り行き(セレンディピティとかフローとか言ったりもするようなあれ)や唐突と思われるインビテーションから新たなる可能性の道は開けていく。

あらゆる可能性にオープンにいることとは、自分の予想、プラン、ビジョンが囲う枠の外からやってくるインビテーションに、必要とあれば、これまで築き、信じ、拠り所にしていたことを捨てるように感じるとしても、Yesと答えて受け入れてみるフレキシビリティとディタッチメントではないだろうか。

常に幾つもの道を作っておくのではなく、目の前の一つの道を突き進んでいってポッと表れる異次元ホールに飛び込める柔らかさ。